just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
