Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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