you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
