and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
