The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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