Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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