Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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