4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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