i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
