i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
