U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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