She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
