how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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