He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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