i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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