she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
