If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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