I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
