I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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