Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
