And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
