Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
