Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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