Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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