i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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