This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
50% drunk capacity currently
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
