I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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