My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
