It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
