in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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