So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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