Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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