fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
