Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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