i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
