Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Welp...herpes.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I need water and some morals
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
