Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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