I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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