True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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