He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
