I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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