the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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