Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
