my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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