If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize