I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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