im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
