the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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