Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
