Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize