Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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