I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We are all done wearing pants today
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
