In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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