If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
