he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i drank out of a bidet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
