I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
