one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize