why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
