the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
