Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
