I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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