If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
