He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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