Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
