Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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