I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
