when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
