i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
