btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
